2 days ago
6 communication tips to help fix a mental load imbalance in a relationship
Ask for ownership, not 'help.'
Kid's doctor appointment? Booked. Their shoe size? Memorized. School supplies? Added to cart. These small tasks tell a bigger story about the constant, quiet work of raising kids that happens behind the scenes. And for many families, the mental load of anticipating and planning what everyone needs often falls on the mom's shoulders.
In the 11th episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, discuss the parts of motherhood that feel isolating and chaotic, how to let go of perfection and actually give yourself a break. In this edition of Yahoo's "" column, Margolin talks about the many unseen and unrecognized tasks that moms typically take on, which can create both resentment and burnout. Margolin also shares six simple ways to communicate the mental load you're carrying with your partner so you can team up and help turn things around, as well as the advice she'd give to moms who are trying to do it all.
Ever feel like your brain has 52 tabs open and you're juggling back and forth between all of them? That's the mental load of moms: the constant, invisible work of planning, managing and worrying about a family's needs, and it's often done without recognition — or relief. As Cameron Rogers, founder and host of the 'Conversations with Cam' podcast, puts it: 'You still are never not thinking about it all.'
So what does the mental load of moms look like? Here are some examples:
Planning and remembering: Staying on top of birthdays for family, friends and classmates; scheduling doctor appointments; planning meals and grocery lists; organizing school calendars; sizing up in shoes and clothes when kids have outgrown them; and tracking kids' social-emotional needs are all examples of the running lists, and evolving information that may be swirling inside a mom brain.
Anticipating and problem-solving: This can mean everything from anticipating your kid's heading for a meltdown and doing what you can to mitigate it to adjusting the day's plans when your kid wakes up sick. It's prepping backup clothes, snacks or activities for your children and packing (and unpacking) for family trips.
Household management: It's restocking the toothpaste, toilet paper and snacks; dealing with laundry needs and changing the bedding; cleaning and maintaining the home; and paying bills and budgeting.
Childcare and emotional labor: This includes managing bedtime routines and middle-of-the-night sleep struggles; being your child's 'emotional thermostat' and helping them regulate themselves; teaching values, coping skills and boundaries; and tracking friendship dynamics, class changes and anxiety triggers.
Work and school overlap: A tricky part of parenting is managing work deadlines while coordinating child care pickups and drop-offs; keeping track of school projects; communicating with teachers and volunteering at your kid's school — all while balancing career growth and family needs, often at your own expense.
Self-silencing and invisible logistics: It's silently absorbing the 'default parent' role; downplaying your own burnout to avoid rocking the boat; and saying to yourself, 'If I don't do it, it won't get done.'
6 ways to communicate about the mental load with your partner
Feeling stretched thin? It's time to have a chat with your partner. Try these practical tips to shift the balance and avoid burnout:
Pick the right moment. Not mid-meltdown or middle of bedtime chaos. A calm, neutral time when you're both regulated, such as during a walk or a car ride or schedule time for after kids are asleep.
Use 'I' statements, not blame. The goal is connection and teamwork, not defensiveness. Try things like, 'I feel overwhelmed because I'm tracking so much behind the scenes.' And, 'I need us to be a team here, and right now, I'm carrying more than I can handle. Let's work together to figure out a system that works for both of us.'
Explain what the mental load is. They may not know! 'It's not just the tasks I do — it's the invisible work of thinking about them, planning, remembering, anticipating, worrying and following through start to finish.' And: 'Even when I'm off the clock, my mind isn't.'
Give concrete examples. Here are some ideas: 'When school emails come in, I'm the one who reads them, adds events to the calendar, figures out who's bringing what to the party.' Or 'I don't just make the dinner — I also track groceries, plan meals and remember what the kids will actually eat while balancing new exposure foods.'
Ask for full ownership, not 'help.' Because 'help' implies it's your job by default. 'I'd like you to fully take over X — from start to finish. That includes noticing when it needs to happen, making a plan and following through.'
Revisit and recalibrate often. It's not a one-and-done conversation. Schedule a monthly 'house meeting' to check in on what's working and what's not. This isn't about perfection — it's about equity and teamwork.
The biggest help for me was handing over certain tasks to my husband that he deals with from start to finish, which means I have to be comfortable with things not being done exactly how I'd do them! My house also looks like kids live in it — I've let go of evening tidying and instead I find some time to clean up with my kids — it's something we do together. But overall, my house looks very lived in and not perfect, which I totally understand gives certain people anxiety.
I also keep in mind that some balls are glass and some are plastic — meaning, choose what you're OK to drop in this chapter of life, knowing it will change as your kids grow and your family needs change too.
10 things I'd say to moms to help lighten the load
If I could hand a cheat sheet to moms on how to manage the mental load, here's what would be on it:
You can't carry it all — don't try.
Write down your tasks. All of them. (Out of your head = less overwhelm.)
Delegate the whole task — not just pieces of it.
Ask for ownership, not 'help.'
Let go of perfection. Done is enough.
Use systems such as calendars, routines and shared lists.
You don't have to earn rest. Take it.
Resentment is a red flag — listen to it.
Mental load is real, and it's valid.
You deserve a partner, not another dependent.
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